Pork and Garlic Chives Jiaozi – And New Immigrants

Chinese dumplings or jiaozi (饺子) are a traditional favourite during Chinese New Year, because they're shaped like gold ingots. This is a northern Chinese tradition, though, and the Chinese in Singapore are mainly from the southern provinces such as Canton and Fujian. Or rather the old immigrants are from the south. The new immigrants who have arrived in recent years come from mainly the north and north eastern regions of China. I don't know who coined the term 'new immigrant' but it was a stroke of genius. It reminds the old immigrants that they themselves are also immigrants.

Of course, there are new immigrants from other countries besides China. But the mainland Chinese are by far the most prominent. They're everywhere. Compared to old Chinese immigrants, the new ones speak Mandarin with a distinctly different accent. They have different facial features, and their cuisine can be quite novel. Not surprisingly, there's a lot of resentment towards the new from the old. I understand the animosity. A lot of the newcomers compete for jobs with poorly educated Singaporeans. They threaten those who are least able to defend themselves. These are people who have little savings and no social security to fall back on. And, the government's explanation for letting in the tsunami of new immigrants from China is just utter rubbish. They say it's because Singapore's population is aging rapidly. If we don't have more immigrants, our economic growth will be badly affected. That's absolute nonsense! Domestic demand isn't a significant component of our GDP. Singapore is an open, trade-based economy. We should be more worried about the aging population in Japan and China than this tiny red dot.

I understand the animosity between old and new but I don't agree with it. It's completely misplaced because the fault doesn't lie with the new immigrants. They come to Singapore because our government allows them to. And who keeps the same people in government year after year? The old immigrants! You made your own bed, right? Now you lie in it.

Thanks to the new immigrants from China, I think, we now have fresh jiaozi pastry readily available. I wonder why they're called 'Taiwan' pastry in English, whilst the Chinese version says '中華', which means Chinese rather than Taiwanese. Am I being too sensitive? Oh well, never mind. I don't have much against new immigrants, and I have even less against their culinary culture. In fact, I'm all for it. So are those who resent new immigrants, I think. I've not seen any hate comments on the internet against the new dishes and restaurants that new immigrants have brought with them. That's the true spirit of Singaporeans! So long as the food tastes good, we embrace it with open arms even when we resent the people behind the food!

Why not try a northern Chinese tradition this Chinese New Year? Make some jiaozi! They're quite good for steamboats, a nice addition to the usual seafood and meat. Or you can fry them and make a nice little dim sum. Traditionally, a coin is placed in one of the jiaozi, and it brings good luck to whomever finds it . . . hopefully without swallowing it, I presume.

Check these out:

Sesame Duck	Mac's Evil Eye	Lemon Curd	Prawns with Red Fermented Beancurd

Sexual Objectification Vs Sexual Appreciation

In response to a bar giving lady customers free drinks based on bra size – in a promotion called 'Fill My Cups' – this is what Dana Lam, president of Aware, says:

ST Forum Jan 21, 2010 BAR'S BREAST-FLAUNTING LURE Wrong to promote women as sex objects I REFER to Monday's report ('Drinks based on bra size', Breaking News, ST Online) of a promotion organised by a bar, OverEasy, at One Fullerton. OverEasy is run by Lo & Behold, which also runs Loof and White Rabbit. The bar invited women to enjoy free alcohol based on the size of their breasts. The event was reportedly well attended and women who had bigger breasts received more 'free' drinks. There is nothing free about letting a room of people gawk at your breasts. Even if a woman is willing to pay the personal price of loss of dignity, there is still a cost suffered by other women. The women who participated have contributed to the objectification of women, to reducing a woman's value to her breast size, and have helped reinforce the belief among men that this is not only acceptable, but welcome. Staging this event in itself is extremely distasteful. Just because sexism is profitable does not make it right. For the organisers to say the event was merely for 'good fun and not sexist or sleazy' is insincere. The indignity is suffered only by one gender. It is unfortunate there are women willing to make this choice so light-heartedly. The individual woman may view her participation as an act of empowerment. Perhaps she feels she should use whatever assets she has to secure favours for herself. In our sex- and youth-obsessed culture, it is not surprising some women would grow to be so cynical. Yes, women have the right to choose, but individual choices are made in a social context. And in our current social context, women have a much harder time to be esteemed as individuals above and beyond their value as sex objects. This event perpetuates the notion of women as sex objects and makes it that much more difficult for each woman who wants to be valued for her character and contribution, rather than how she stacks up to a distorted image of the ideal body. The personal choice (of the participants) and the private choice (of the corporation) has had a detrimental social impact . . . .

If a man went up to Dana and said, 'I think you have beautiful breasts!' he would probably get a tight slap in his face. But aren't women's breasts extremely beautiful? Round, warm, silky smooth, soft, bouncy . . . . Would Dana prefer men to completely ignore her breasts, legs, buttocks, etc. She wants no one from the opposite sex to find her physically attractive in any way whatsoever? Would such a woman have more 'dignity' than one who has breasts that men admire?

I suspect if a man went up to Dana and said, 'I think you have beautiful eyes!' she might be quite pleased. But what's the difference between eyes and breasts? Why are men (relatively) free to voice their admiration for a female's eyes or hair but not breasts and buttocks? Because the breast pounding feminists say so? So men have to look at breasts surreptitiously but they can't ogle openly or make any comment. Nor give more drinks to women with bigger breasts.

Men don't always focus on a woman's breasts. In societies where nudity is the norm, women would try to attract a mate in other ways. They might elongate their necks, wear elaborate ornaments or make scars on their bodies. They try all means and methods to win sexual appreciation from the opposite sex because they're genetically programmed to attract a sexual mate. And therein lies the crux of the issue. It's totally natural for a woman to yearn for and seek sexual appreciation. But it must be appreciation that she wants and can control for her own benefit. Sexual objectification, in contrast, is sexual attention forced on a woman when she doesn't want or can't control it. Sexual objectification is objectionable but sexual appreciation is perfectly natural. Let's not throw out the baby with the bath water.

Dana says a woman who views getting free drinks with her breasts as 'an act of empowerment' is 'cynical'. I don't know about the cynical part but if the woman can use her breasts or sexuality as a tool or weapon for fulfilling her desires, that's certainly empowerment. Is empowerment a bad thing? Of course not. Who doesn't want more power? Is empowerment by 'character and contribution' better than empowerment by breast size? That's a matter of opinion. Who's Dana Lam to say it should be for all women?

Lastly, here's a photo of David Beckham looking quite scrumptious:



Is he a sexually objectified victim? If he is, I'm sure there're tonnes of men dying to be victimized in the same way. Who wouldn't want the kind of sexual attention heaped on David Beckham and the truck loads of money it brings? But I don't think David Beckham does it just for the money. He loves looking utterly desirable in his briefs, holding a thick, phallic rope. And he knows you can see him but you can't touch him. He's in total control because you can't afford to touch him, let alone use him as a sexual object. He has the world under his thumb because of his looks. What's wrong with that?

Related links:
http://kitchentigress.blogspot.com/2010/02/juicy-breasts.html
http://kitchentigress.blogspot.com/2010/02/sharks-fin-syndrome.html

Check these out:Spicy

Triple Chocolate Cookies	Sichuan Popcorn	Chewy Oatmeal Cookies	Kueh Baulu with Custard

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Braised Pork Belly – With Secret Ingredient

Yesterday, I made Braised Pork Belly with a recipe from BH's 'Look-Sum', which is 六嬸 in Cantonese. 六 means sixth and 嬸 means wife of the father's younger brother. From the way BH addresses her aunt, I know she's probably Cantonese although I've never asked her and we've never met other than in cyberspace. I also know that BH's father is from a large family with at least six siblings. And since BH is one generation after the era when it was common to have half a dozen kids, she's probably middle-aged?

In her post here about the recipe, BH asked those who make the dish to take a photo. Men wouldn't do that, would they? BH is a woman, I think. And she's a married woman because she's making preparations – collecting ideas and recipes – for Chinese New Year. Single women are more likely to think of going away for the long weekend.

What else? BH started thinking about Chinese New Year in the first week of January, and CNY's not till 14 February. She likes to plan ahead and is well organized. She seems to have some time on her hands, so she probably doesn't have a full-time job? But she seems quite new to cooking. Maybe she was a career woman till recently?

Anything else? Oh yes, Look-Sum is from a big family, and big families tend to cook a lot. Hence, a good recipe from the big family must be really very good. That was why I tried Look-Sum's recipe. Moreover, it comes with a 'secret ingredient', two magical words that make my foodie antenna spring up with a 'Ding!' And the secret is . . . the Pearlring brand of bak kut teh spices with ginseng and dang gui. With a sachet of this magical mix, Braised Pork Belly is truly easy and delicious. Thanks for a great recipe, BH and Look-Sum. And here are the photos I took:



Of course, I could be entirely wrong in my deductions about BH. A bit too smart for my own good, as Dr Watson was in the 'tent joke':

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retired for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes woke up and nudged his faithful friend. 'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.' 'I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes' replied Watson. 'And what do you deduce from that?' Watson pondered for a minute. 'Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But what does it tell you, Holmes?' Holmes was silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!' he said. 'Someone has stolen our tent!'

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Pork Maw Soup	Orange Glazed Pork Ribs	Pearly Meatballs (珍珠丸子)	Zhenjiang Pork Ribs

What We Get for $120m

The annual TV licence fee of $110 per household always attracts a lot of flak from Singaporeans. Mrbrown, for instance, wrote a scathing post about it a few months back. In that write-up, I think he was unnecessarily sarcastic (which wasn't constructive) because he hadn't caught the quality programs from Mediacorp. Mrbrown, please watch New City Beat at 8 pm every Friday. It's the best variety program on channel 8. Here's a short clip from the trailer for the program:



If anyone tried to do a crotch grab repeatedly in a public place in Singapore, I'm sure he would be arrested. But Singaporeans are treated to Adrian Pang's riveting performance on prime time TV. That's what we pay $110 for! And in case grabbing the front isn't enough, let's grab the back as well:



It's good, isn't it? Even Richard Gere, in his younger days, couldn't have done better. Watch the full trailer and learn how to shout 'Yo! Yo!' and act or dress like you're 14, when you're actually 40:



A lot of Singaporeans are quite ignorant, hence poor MDA has 'launched a public outreach program to "educate" Singaporeans on why the (TV licence) fee should be paid'. I don't think there's any need for such a program. MDA just has to highlight the treat from Adrian Pang's artistry. TV viewers will then weep with joy and pay promptly for the rest of their lives.

In 2008, MDA collected $106m (967,000 licences issued x $110), of which 11% or $12m was spent on expenses related to collection of fees, according to Today. This worked to about $12 per licence. It might seem a tad high but it was totally worth it because it was paid to IRAS. We all know their ability as a billing and collecting agent is second to none, right?

I have a question for MDA and IRAS, though. According to Today, 965,000 TV licenses were issued in 2008. But there were 1,091,339 households in Singapore according to the Report on Household Expenditure. Were there 126,339 households in Singapore which didn't have a TV? If we assume almost all households in Singapore had a TV, the fees collected should total about $120m, not $106m. Today also said $80.82m or 67% of fees collected was spent on making PSB programs. This implied that the amount of fees collected was about $120m, not $106m. Are we missing some $14m?

Check these out:

Sweet and Sour Pork	Spareribs with Tangerine Peel	Wonton Soup	Tamarind Pork (Babi Assam)

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A Blank Cheque for UOB

Yesterday, I went to UOB to take a look at their investment products. The young lady who served me, Ms X, had been a financial adviser for a few years. We spent some time discussing the UOB Principal Guaranteed Structured Deposit Growth Deposit – Series (1). I shall call this 'Structured Deposit' from hereon. Offer for the Structured Deposit is open now, and is expected to close on 30 January 2010. (Click here for a copy of the marketing brochure.) This is quite a simple product. The capital is guaranteed and depositors get an effective annual interest rate of 1.3624% or a total of 6.6% over 4 years 11 months. In addition, there is a bonus interest rate of up to 5% in total, depending on the performance of iShares FTSE/Xinhua A50 China Index ETF, which tracks China A shares.

According to Ms X, the Structured Deposit carries two risks:

(1) Deposits are not guaranteed by the Deposit Insurance Act (Chapter 77 A) but by UOB. There is thus a default risk. If UOB goes bankrupt, investors could lose all their money.

(2) There is a lock-in period of 4 years 11 months. Early redemptions are subject to penalty charges. Hence, investors should be sure they do not need the funds invested during the lock-in period before making the investment.

I was fine with the first risk but wanted to know how much the early redemption charges are. Ms X explained that UOB, after collecting monies for the Structured Deposit, would invest or lend out the funds. When investors ask for early redemptions, UOB has to borrow from the interbank market to make up for the funds redeemed. Hence, investors have to compensate UOB for the cost of funding incurred. So the penalty charges are based on interbank rates? Yes.

I understood why UOB has to impose penalty charges but how much are the charges exactly? Ms X said she didn't know because she had no information from her bosses. But they are based on interbank rates? Yes. I pressed her further. Could I have a rough estimate? She said penalty charges for other structured deposit products in the past were 10-20%. I almost fell out of my chair. Based on what she said about interbank rates, I expected maybe 4-5%, which would have been enormous. But it was up to 20% in the past! That's like 10 pounds of flesh! If I invest in the Structured Deposit, I had better hope and pray I don't have any unexpected, urgent need for money.

Ms X stressed that 10-20% was what UOB charged historically. She couldn't and she wasn't promising charges will be within that range in the future. They might be more or less. But her bosses told her to give investors the range as an indication? No, it was her own initiative. When customers 'really want to know', she gave the range which is based on her observation. Since there are customers who 'really want to know', has feedback been given to her bosses. Yes. But the bosses resolutely refuse to give the basis for calculating penalty charges? Yes. Isn't that like UOB asking for a blank cheque for early redemption costs? Ms X gave me a wry smile.

The terms and conditions for the Structured Deposit are listed in a Term Sheet (click here for a copy). This is what the document says about early termination:

. . . if the Bank allows the investor to terminate the UOB Growth Deposit – Series (1) or withdraw the whole of the UOB Growth Deposit - Series (1) prior to the Maturity Date, the investor shall indemnify the Bank against all loss, damages, costs, charges and/or expenses referable to such termination or withdrawal, including legal costs on a full indemnity basis, cost of funding and loss or cost incurred as a result of the termination, liquidation or re-establishment of any hedge or related trading position, and shall pay such other administrative and other charges as the Bank may impose . . . .

How does UOB justify penalty charges of 20% or even more? Why is there any need for legal costs? UOB needs legal counsel every time there's an early redemption? Does the bank have to change trading positions when there's an early redemption? Other than this item, all the other costs can be estimated quite closely. Interbank rates are variable but UOB could always say the cost of early termination is x amount plus variable interbank rates. That would be transparent, and investors would have a good idea what the penalty is. Instead, UOB asks for a blank cheque. Is that fair to investors? Do you think UOB should be spanked?

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French Toast	Salted Grilled Mackerel (Saba Shioyaki)	Black Cod with Miso	Pork Blood Plasma, Anyone?

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Roasted Peppers and Mushrooms – Burn, Baby! Burn!

There're people who cook, and there're people who don't. Some of those who don't love throwing their hands in the air and (dramatically) proclaiming, 'I can't cook!' I would like to correct that. Everyone can cook. They may not like to cook, and they don't – which is perfectly alright; we all have our own interests – but they can certainly cook. Why do I say that? Because David Price, a visually handicapped gentleman in the US, not only cooks but cooks enthusiastically. Maybe he makes hard-boiled eggs? Maybe, but he also makes French onion tarts! And he has lots of visually handicapped friends who cook. You can read his full interview over at Chocolate and Zucchini, and here's an excerpt from Clotide Dusoulier's write-up:

The fact that you can cook and bake without seeing is a cause for wonder to the vast majority of sighted people, I'm sure. Can you tell us a little bit about the practicalities? Do you have a special way to label and/or organize your ingredients? How do you test food for doneness? How do you plate it? How do you follow recipes while in the kitchen?

There are many techniques that the blind can use while cooking. Here are a few of the ones that I use:

– I use Braille labels to organize most of my ingredients. For instance, all of my spices have Braille numbers on the lids . . . .

– There are techniques for measuring liquids. When measuring large quantities of liquids (¼ cup or more), I use a "spill pan" under the measuring cup – in my case, a small pie pan that I clean after every spill. If I overfill the measuring cup, the excess in the spill pan can be poured back into the original container. For measuring small amounts of liquids (teaspoons or tablespoons), I use a "dipping" spoon. A dipping spoon is a normal metal measuring spoon with a handle that has been bent 90 degrees just above the bowl of the spoon. This way, the handle can be held vertically and the bowl of the spoon dipped into the liquid, filled, and then moved to its destination. I also have a talking kitchen scale . . . .

– When working with knives, there are no special techniques – just basic knife safety . . . my desire for extremely sharp knives seems to astonish people . . . .

Another issue the blind must keep in mind is awareness of what burners are in use and what types of pots are on each of them. Another of my early experiences in that cooking class was moving a large pot from one burner to another and forgetting about the other large pot on the stove. I nearly dropped the pot I was holding when it collided with the other one. This definitely would not have amused the rest of the class, as it was part of their lunch . . . .

What would you say is the biggest challenge a blind cook has to overcome?

Every blind cook I know is still sorting out a group of techniques that cause them problems, but we do generally find solutions. For instance, when I make Alsatian onion tart (tarte à l'oignon d'Alsace), I use a springform pan. The wall of the pan allows me to spread the filling out evenly over the crust without spilling and, when it has finished baking, I can remove the wall and easily slide the tart onto a plate.

The recipe I'm sharing today is really easy. Seriously, you can't go wrong with this one. If you're new to cooking and are afraid of burning something, this is the recipe for you. You are supposed to burn the bell peppers. Just don't do what my friend did, ok? She popped some bell peppers in the oven (without a timer), went for a swim and fell asleep by the pool. When she returned to the kitchen, the bell peppers weren't just burnt but cremated! Roasted mushrooms are a tad more difficult. ;D Chuck 'em in the oven like the bell peppers but don't burn them. And that's it, really. Peel the bell peppers, cut everything into bite size slices and season to taste. This is a dish that you can make with both eyes closed.

Check these out:

Stir Fried Eggplant with Chicken	Tomatoes in Wasabi Sesame Sauce	Crispy Spring Rolls( Popiah)	Stir Fried Tomatoes with Eggs

OCBC, Delight Me!

The above message is OCBC's response to my email of 6 January, sent by Ms Daisy Er. Since the assuring message is from the Head of Customer Assurance, I'm sure I'm assured assuringly . . . but . . . I'm not sure what I'm assuringly assured of. Sure? Sure! Why not sure? Well, what's the most important part of the email? That Mr Lee isn't poorer by $1.25? Nope. Of course, I'm very relieved I haven't reduced his monthly budget for groceries by the cost of a small pack of sugar but there's something more important. The CEO read my email? Nope. Although that's very nice because he's a very important man. Can't see the most important part of the short message comprising six sentences? Heheh, it's in the middle: ". . . we have identified opportunities when we can delight our customers in their course of banking with us" (emphasis mine). Bloody hell! I don't know what these opportunities are! Why doesn't OCBC tell me what they are after identifying them? They should be listed on OCBC's web site! Then I wouldn't have to crack my little brain, inferring from a TV commercial that the bank gives surprise birthday cakes.

I love the word 'delight'. It's so suggestive, isn't it? Maybe OCBC should change its slogan to "OCBC deee . . . lights you!' (in a sexy, husky voice). Or their branch employees should greet customers with 'OCBC deee . . . lights you!' (in a sexy, husky voice, with eyes half closed). "Delight' . . . conjures up . . . visions of . . . . This is where I'm unsure despite assurance from the Head of Customer Assurance. A keychain? A pen? Oooh, more surprises! I like! I must give OCBC lots of 'opportunities' to 'deee . . . light' me. I will visit them every week. Good thing they're opened late and opened everyday. I've been OCBC's customer for donkey's years and I've never been 'deee . . . lighted'. My birthday last Sunday doesn't count, ok, because I didn't like the cake. I appreciated it but I didn't like it, if you see the difference. Daisy has conveniently and completely side stepped the issue on how the birthday commercial should be interpreted but who cares! My next birthday is 356 days away. There are other 'opportunities'. OCBC, deee . . . light me!

Related links:
Click here for links to media reports.
http://kitchentigress.blogspot.com/2010/01/ocbcs-birthday-cake.html
http://kitchentigress.blogspot.com/2010/01/ocbc-part-2.html
http://kitchentigress.blogspot.com/2010/01/what-banking-secrecy.html

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Don't Ask OCBC for Cakes!

Many thanks to those who wish me a happy birthday. Thanks as well to those who support the previous post. As for those who say kudos to the staff at OCBC, I agree with you. The staff reacted well enough, I think. Two of the ladies seemed quite amused. The third one just seemed disinterested after performing her banking duties. I think the gentleman also saw the funny side of the incident. Our conversation basically revolved around whether there was a sufficient basis for the ad to be reenacted. As I said, if he had insisted I had a super cute daughter with me to get a cake, he would have won.

I don't know if the OCBC gentleman paid for the cake out of his own pocket but I've asked David Conner and Andrew Lee, respectively OCBC's group CEO and Senior EVP of Global Consumer Financial Services, to make sure he's reimbursed.



I'd like to point out that I didn't insist on getting a cake from OCBC, technically, at any point in time. I asked if I could get a cake. I was told no, I couldn't. Which was fine. I then asked why I couldn't get a cake. I was told it was because the commercial was just a commercial. Which was also fine. I then asked why OCBC had a commercial about giving away birthday cakes when it didn't have any birthday cakes to give away. If the staff had given me an acceptable explanation, I'd have walked away. Or if they hadn't given me an acceptable explanation (nor a cake), I would then ask OCBC's senior management for one. But I couldn't complain to the CEO without giving the frontline staff a chance to show whether OCBC really gave their customers birthday cakes, right?

Some people say I got a cake from OCBC's employees, not OCBC, and that I shouldn't have tormented the staff when my target was the corporation. I'm sorry, this argument cuts no ice with me. The incident was during OCBC's business hours, the staff were wearing OCBC's uniforms, serving OCBC's customers on OCBC's banking premises. They were representing OCBC whether they like it or not. It's a tough job working in a banking hall but hey, whose job is easy, eh? Other than the President of Singapore? Sure, the frontline staff aren't responsible for the ad. They don't make as much as David Conner. But they know they're getting paid for being the conduit between customers and the bank, which they're a part of. Should they perform only mechanical tasks because they make only $x per month? Any unexpected incidents not listed in the training manual is none of their business? Come on! If they do that, they're no better than machines. And if they're no better than machines, they should be replaced by machines. And bank tellers have been, to some extent. The next wave of workers to be replaced will be those cashiers who mechanically scan, pack and collect the money. Cold Storage Great World City has a lane for those who prefer to scan, pack and swipe a bank card themselves. Such facilities are already quite common in the US.

I think it's a bit over dramatic to say I 'tormented' or 'maimed' (emotionally, I presume) the staff at OCBC, or spoilt their day or weekend. As for those who use the word 'misery', oh please! Misery is when you have a terminal illness. Misery is when your country's at war. Misery is when there's no rice in the house. Misery is when your dog's run over by a car. Misery is when you're homeless in a -10°C winter. A crazy customer making a crazy request? That's a nice distraction from the tedium of being a bank teller. Or a slight irritant at worst. Nevertheless, if I really caused anyone at OCBC any distress, in any minor or major way, I apologise, unreservedly and sincerely. And I suggest they get out of the service industry. If they can't handle crazy customers, they shouldn't handle customers for a living. Or they would have to face many more crazy ones, and cause themselves much 'misery'.

I've enjoyed reading the comments, even those that are are downright rude. I'm perverse, I know. (Hey! No one's used that word on me yet!) There's a diversity of views, which is not a bad thing. But there's one thing we all agree on: the cake's bloody awful!

Ok, over to you, guys. Fire away.

Related links:
Click here for links to media reports.
http://kitchentigress.blogspot.com/2010/01/ocbcs-birthday-cake.html
http://kitchentigress.blogspot.com/2010/01/ocbc-delight-me.html
http://kitchentigress.blogspot.com/2010/01/what-banking-secrecy.html

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Ginger Milk Custard (薑汁撞奶)	Gingerbread Men	Cream Scones	Pear and Snow Fungus Sweet Soup (银耳雪梨糖水)

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Prying a Cake from OCBC's Cold, Hard Fingers

Yesterday, I went to OCBC Bank, the one at Marine Parade, and asked for a birthday cake. According to the bank's advertisement, their customers get a cake on their birthday, complete with burning candles and a birthday song. And yes, it was my birthday yesterday. If you haven't already seen the TV ad, here it is:


(17 January 2010 – Commercial is now in Chinese because the English version has been deleted from Youtube. English subtitles added on 21 January 2010.)

There were five ladies wo-manning the counter at OCBC. The one who got the short straw was xx Ming. Young, quite cute and quite sweet. Unfortunately, she was wearing a red and white polo shirt with four different coloured buttons, in thick polyester. Hmm, OCBC probably paid a lot of money for some consultant to come up with the hideous design. I gave xx Ming my IC – that's identity card to those not familiar with the Big Brother state – which has my DOB on the front. She went about quietly processing my cash deposit. Was she alerting her colleagues it was my birthday with a secret 'birthday button' underneath the counter? The one beside the panic button for bank robbers? Please don't press the wrong button! I was sure someone was lighting the candles on my cake as I waited, and all the staff were getting ready to shout, 'SURPRISE!' Something like this:

xx Ming looked up and asked me if I wanted to update my address. 'No, thank you.' I had deliberately given OCBC a non-existent address because it's the only way to stop the bank from sending me bits of paper every month. I can't opt out of hard copy statements but if they're returned to the bank three months in a row, they're suspended. A roundabout way to outwit the system and the tree murderers who run it.

After making sure I didn't want my address updated, xx Ming handed me my receipt and IC. I glanced to the left . . . . No one jumped out with a cake topped with burning candles. I glanced to the right . . . . No one started singing 'Happy Birthday to yooou . . . !' xx Ming gave me a weak smile and a is-there-anything-else look. 'Er, it's my birthday today. Do I get a birthday cake?' Since the subtle way wasn't working, I had to be explicit about my real purpose for visiting the bank. xx Ming blinked, then blinked again. She turned to her colleague on her right and said, 'It's her birthday. She wants a birthday cake.' Then, she turned to her colleague on her left and said, 'It's her birthday. She wants a birthday cake.' The three ladies smiled and looked at one another, probably thinking I was joking. And probably hoping their smiles would make me go away. Wrong! 'OCBC has an ad that says customers get birthday cakes. You know the ad?' 'But it's just an advertisement,' xx Ming said. 'Yes, it's an ad, which I take very seriously.' 'But it's just an advertisement . . . .'

When it was clear I was dead serious about getting a cake, one of the teller ladies got up to consult her supervisor. Of course, such an important person wasn't sitting at the counter. He was hidden from customers' view by a door with a high-tech digital lock. Tick, tock, tick, tock . . . . 'Have other customers asked for birthday cakes before?' 'No, you're the first one!' Tick, tock, tick, tock . . . . 'A "Happy Birthday" would be nice, you know?' All I got was a blank look, and 'But it's just an advertisement.' xx Ming was starting to sound like a broken record ipod. Tick, tock, tick, tock . . . . 'Er, I have a birthday dinner to go to. I hope I can get the cake quickly?' 'I can't guarantee that.' 'You can't guarantee I would get a cake, or you can't guarantee I would get a cake quickly?' 'Both.' 'Then why do you advertise that you give customers birthday cakes?' 'But it's just an advertisement.' Tick, tock, tick, tock . . . . I was thinking no one was ever going to say 'Happy Birthday' but the lady on the right finally did. She got off her butt, walked over and wished me 'Happy Birthday'. It took her, like, 10 minutes but hey, it was better than nothing. Did Miss Cutey xx Ming who was sitting right in front of me join in and wish me 'Happy Birthday'. Hell, no! Maybe she wasn't in a good mood 'cause she was working on a Sunday? Well, I wasn't feeling jubilant either, unlike Mrs Tan, the one in the TV ad, who got a birthday cake without asking:
After an eternity, the bank teller lady who went off to consult her supervisor emerged from the internal bowels of the bank. 'We don't have any cake . . . . It's just an advertisement . . . .' 'If you don't give customers birthday cakes, why do you advertise that you do?' She went back to her supervisor. Tick, tock, tick, tock . . . . After another eternity, she came back, this time with a bright yellow shopping bag. Would I like the shopping bag instead? 'That's not a cake,' I said. NO CAKE! NO CANDLE! NO GOOD! She disappeared behind the door again.

After yet another eternity, the supervisor, xx Keong, joined me on my side of the counter. Would I like to discuss the matter with him in a separate room? 'Why? Is there a birthday cake with a candle in the room? No? Then we can discuss here. Your advertisement says customers get birthday cakes, so I'm here to collect my birthday cake.' 'Yes, but in the advertisement, the bank surprises the customer, not the other way round! You're not supposed to surprise us!' Heheh, he had a point there. 'If there's any sincerity in the advertisement, you wouldn't be surprised,' I retorted. 'The point in the ad is that the bank gives the customer a surprise. If I give you a cake now, you wouldn't be surprised,' he returned. I almost burst out laughing. 'If you give me a cake now, I promise I'll be very surprised.' For the next few minutes, he tried to wriggle his way out of giving me a cake. 'It's just an advertisement blah blah blah. . . .' I can't remember everything he said but there wasn't anything that convinced me I should leave without a cake. After all, the ad didn't have conditions like 'while stocks last' or 'offer expires whenever'. I thought I had to lie down on the floor and kick my legs in the air. Boy, that would be fun, wouldn't it? But before I could do that, he caved in and said, 'Ok, I don't have a cake now but I can go and buy you a cake.' Of course, when he said 'I', he meant one of his female underlings. It took another eternity for a bank teller to get the cake from a bakery round the corner.

In total, it took me five eternities to get the miserable three-inch cake from OCBC. It was topped with a heap of artificial cream, the kind that doesn't melt in Singapore's tropical heat and I never eat. Frankly, my homemade cakes are way better. (Click here for recipes.) The plastic tree and plastic Hello Kitty? Tacky tacky tacky! Not to mention the danger of a child choking on them, especially when the 'leaves' can be detached from the 'trunk'!

Getting OCBC to cough up the cake was like prying something from a dead man's cold, hard fingers. Or squeezing blood from a stone. But advertisements are so often deliberately misleading, I couldn't resist the temptation to show an advertiser that misleading ads can sometimes backfire. A taste of its own medicine, perhaps? I allowed myself to be misled into thinking that OCBC was giving customers birthday cakes. And you can do the same, too. I asked xx Keong if I could tell all my friends that they can get birthday cakes from OCBC. He said it might not be a cake but it would be 'something' if it's their customer's birthday. Well, if you're not happy with that 'something', just insist that it was a cake in the TV ad. And you can do your part for consumer rights any day of the week, except public holidays. OCBC branches are everywhere and 18 of them (click here for a list) are opened 11am-7pm, including Saturdays and Sundays.

Related links:
Click here for links to media reports.
http://kitchentigress.blogspot.com/2010/01/ocbc-part-2.html
http://kitchentigress.blogspot.com/2010/01/ocbc-delight-me.html
http://kitchentigress.blogspot.com/2010/01/what-banking-secrecy.html

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